What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Fellow Marriage and Family Therapist Rhea Orion hit the nail on the head when she broke down consensual non-monogamy/ethical non-monogamy (or just non-monogamy as the words “consensual and ethical” make it seem like non-monogamy is not consensual nor ethical) into what it is and what it’s not. Let’s dive into it:

It’s Not for Everyone, and that’s okay.

It’s Not Polygamy, so we’re not talking about multiple spouses.

It’s Not against the Law, as long as it’s consensual.

It’s Not Deceitful, because honesty is key.

It’s Not Cheating, because everyone’s on the same page.

It’s Not a threat to monogamous relationships, it’s just a different style.

It’s Not a “sex addiction”, it’s a chosen lifestyle.

And it’s Not Easy, because, let’s be real, relationships take work.

It’s Not just about sex, there’s more to it than meets the eye.

It’s Not “avoiding commitment”, it’s a different kind of commitment.

It’s Not “an attachment disorder”, it’s a valid relationship choice.

But, here’s the thing, despite what consensual non-monogamy is, a lot of misconceptions have been floating around, creating shame for those living outside the monogamous mold. I get it; “coming out” as poly or open can be tough.

According to a 2016 Kinsey Institute study, 1 out of 5 Americans have dipped their toes into consensual non-monogamy (CNM), and that number keeps growing. Yet, many relationship therapists are still trained through a “heteronormative” and “traditional” lens, which can make finding a therapist who understands your non-traditional relationship a real challenge.

So, here’s where the struggle begins. Some therapists historically push folks in CNM relationships to “choose between one partner or another.” No wonder people in unique relationships feel the need to keep it under wraps, fearing rejection.

As a relationship therapist, part of my gig is breaking down these walls of stigma. In the next few blogs, I’m gonna tackle some narrow beliefs and myths about consensual non-monogamy and lay down what it’s really about.

First things first, what is CNM? It’s an umbrella term for relationships where everyone involved has communicated, consented, and agreed to engage in sexual and/or romantic connections with multiple people. It comes in various flavors:

• Polyamory: Loving more than one person intimately, authentically, and genuinely with honesty to all partners.
• Swinging: Sexual relationships without romantic intent.
• “Monogamish”: An open relationship where two people are each other’s primary partners.
• Any other relationship shape or size with multiple partners.

The key here is that it’s all about consent and communication. But, myth busting time:

Myth: Consensual non-monogamy means I can never cheat.

False! All healthy relationships have rules, even in CNM. Everyone needs to know and agree to the rules for it to work. So, cheating can happen within a CNM relationship if you break those agreed-upon rules. The secret sauce is communication and understanding those rules before you dive into any new connection.

Stay tuned for more myth-busting and clarifications!

Sources:

DR. RHEA ORION modern families counseling. (November 2019). Retrieved from http://www.rheaorion.com/.

Henrich, R., & Trawinsky, C. Social and relationship challenges facing polyamorous clients. Sexual and Relationship Therapy. 2016.

Orion, Rhea. A Therapist’s Guide to Consensual Nonmonogamy: Polyamory, Swinging, and Open Marriage. Routledge, 2018.

Taormino. Opening up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. Cleis Press, 2008.

Veaux, Franklin, and Eve Rickert. More than Two: a Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. Thorntree Press, 2014.