Distracted in Bed: Sex and ADHD

Sex can get pretty complicated, and it gets even spicier when you throw neurodivergence into the mix. Ever catch yourself saying things like:

“I find it tricky to put my needs and feelings into words in the heat of the moment.”

“Sensory stuff during intimacy can be a real mood-killer – like feeling too hot or dealing with annoying sheets.”

“Staying in the moment is a real challenge for me.”

“You know that feeling when you’re all in the mood, and then suddenly something shifts, and it’s gone?”

“My brain and emotions seem to be on different tracks most of the time.”

“I just can’t connect with those stories about what sex is ‘supposed’ to look like.”

Well, guess what? That’s all completely normal. Being neurodivergent means your brain experiences the world and feelings differently than those popular narratives about sex and intimacy suggest.

A lot of neurodiverse folks struggle with intimacy because they feel like they can’t communicate or know what they want. Brandon Mahan, a well-known ADHD specialist, came up with something called The Wall of Awful. It’s a metaphor describing the barriers that neurodiverse individuals face when there’s a history of feeling like they’ve failed at a task. This can freeze or avoid engagement, impacting intimacy. It makes sense; if you feel unsuccessful, why risk getting hurt?

Engaging in sexual intimacy can be a safe adventure with the right person. But if you’re battling the “Wall of Awful,” here are some tips:

Create some context: Switching from hanging out to suddenly being in the bedroom can be tough. Communicate your needs, like saying, “Hey, when you do xyz, it sends the message that you’re interested in having sex. That helps me get in the mood.”

Other ways to create context:

• Use music: Have a favorite Spotify list dedicated to getting in the mood.
• Use objects: Set out a specific toy or object to remind you and your partner that you’re interested in having sex.
• Use candles or favorite smells: Create a romantic mood to connect your brain to sex.

Hope these ideas help. If you are still struggling, it is ok to reach out for support! I am a Certified Sex Therapist and would love to help you and your partner! Find out more here.